strip along the bay,
eyes focused on the distance
without absorbing sight.
The silence of the day
amplified the murmur
of my mind’s mêlée
as I walked along the unfamiliar.
Central Valley effluence
moved with the flotsam and fray
as I drifted from sense
and the strip along the East Bay,
surged toward the flight
pattern of seagulls enacting their belligerent dance:
Slice through skies, glide,
eyes focused on the distance
beyond the infinite pier
of weathered planks lingering over blue-gray.
Push against the cutting wind. Tear
without absorbing sight.
I walked with purpose: endure,
defy the rumored void until I find my way
to some other state. Disintegrating into the bay, a fence
returned me shoreward into the quiet.
I walked along.
lots of good stuff here.
ReplyDeletefirst thought, there are two "along"s in the first stanza. for me, that is not working.
almost always the rhymes are very well embedded. the ones that kind of stuck out though were "melee" and "endure." maybe because of their meanings, melee being not an oft used word, and edure being somewhat heavy, they did not (mckinney, forgive me!) flow...
i like how you mess with the refrains in subtle ways.
the final image of being turned back by running into a fence is great. when i think about it too hard i almost worry about cliche. but i think that is thinking too hard. it is a nice final image.
especially liked "belligerent dance" and "weathered planks lingering over blue-gray" and especially especially "Tear/ without absorbing sight"
bravo
Thank you for your comments, dear! I didn't notice the two "alongs" until you pointed them out--I don't like that either. And I really don't like melee, but I'm stuck. I can't think of another word.
ReplyDeleteFinally, I'm glad you liked those lines; those were the ones I liked, too. This was a fun form. Good choice!